Is there hope for healing a broken heart? Something or someone has just broken your heart. You were caught off-guard by a betrayal, a shocking behavior, or loss of a loved one. Suddenly you are feeling like you’ve lost all hope . . . you can feel a physical aching in your chest that leaves you wounded and scarred. How can you ever hope to recover or discover what steps will end this suffering?
We all know that emotions are a vital part of the way we are made. Yet we can’t understand why it takes so long to heal from emotional injuries. We would never prematurely remove a cast or sutures until the broken bone or skin was fully restored. We must realize complete emotional healing requires time. The book of Psalms offers great comfort when experiencing long-term emotions like sadness, fear, and grief. “He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Are some circumstances beyond healing? What about these situations:
In the beginning, Dawn and Leo’s marriage seemed so secure. Then alcohol and Leo’s advances towards his sister-in-law, Lori, resulted in a bitter divorce.
Louise wept uncontrollably as her daughter recounted her molestation as a child.
After Dave and Yvonne’s second miscarriage, they severed all relationships that reminded them of their two lost sons.
Healing a Broken Heart – The key is trust
Our human tendency is to avoid painful situations, even burying them. Can we ever trust those who hurt us so deeply? There are steps to healing a broken heart.
Release – “. . . First forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against . . .” (Mark 11:25). Lori chose to let go of past hurts. Years later her nephew (Dawn and Leo’s son) was married. Lori recalls, “My bad experience had driven a wedge between two families. Miraculously, when I forgave Leo, the wedding brought everyone together and healthy relationships were created.”
Refocus – “. . . By [God’s] mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope” (Ephesians 3:20). Initially, Louise punished herself for not being more protective. She tried to keep her broken heart hidden from everyone. She shares, “Guilt and shame clouded my perspective. As our daughter and I openly discussed the incident, we helped other victims and now readily see positive results in their lives.”
Receive – “[God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:4). Last year, Yvonne gave birth to a handsome baby boy. “We may never understand the reason we had to endure such heartbreak. Gradually, the emptiness is now being filled with Daniel’s toddler antics.” David and Yvonne will receive their nursing degrees this year. “We want to help others through hard times.”
Healing a Broken Heart – There is a reason
Once there was a young man who proclaimed to have the most beautiful, flawless heart. An old man challenged him. The crowd looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars. Some pieces had been removed and others had been put in, but didn’t fit quite right. The old man looked at the young man, “I would never trade my heart for yours. Every scar represents a person I’ve given my love -- I tear out a piece and give it to them. Sometimes they give me a piece of their broken heart, which I fit along jagged edges. When the person doesn’t return my love, a painful gouge is left. Those gouges stay open, reminding me that I love these people too. Perhaps someday they will return and fill that space.”
We would never choose to have a broken heart! The agony and recovery time is just too unbearable. There is Someone, however, who had a flawless heart and chose to have it broken. Medically when a heart ruptures (breaks) water gushes out (John 19:33-34). In every way, Jesus experienced a broken heart. He understands betrayal, temptation, and loss (Isaiah 53:3; Luke 22:33-34; Matthew 14:10-13). He is our Comforter, Counselor, and Companion who fills our heart’s empty spaces
When we fantasize, we imagine a situation that does not correspond with reality, but expresses certain desires. Fantasies typically involve situations which are impossible or highly unlikely.
Many fantasies are sexual in nature. This applies to both sexes, but often one or the other mate is dissatisfied and will begin fantasizing to “get through” the lovemaking session with their spouse. Is this healthy for the relationship?
Fantasize – What’s the harm?
What harm, if any, is there in fantasizing? How does it begin and where might it lead? These are good questions to examine.
Fantasizing first leads to an increased dissatisfaction with your spouse. Many women experience a desire to be adorned with affection from her man. This is normal, but when he fails to come through for her, she:
begins to have impatient, unfulfilled, and perhaps unreal expectations of him,
dreams or fantasizes about someone else showering her with all she desires,
begins to think that the “grass may be greener” elsewhere,
is certainly deterred from working on her commitment to love and honor,
finds herself vulnerable to the temptations of outside sources.
David Sanford1 writes:
“Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.”
If we continue to dwell on sexual thoughts about another man, these thoughts will eventually give birth to sexual compromise. We are rehearsing in our minds what we would like to act our physically. When this man comes in our direction, we are more likely to act upon those fantasies since we’ve already rehearsed them in our minds. As Sanford says, we’re working toward an extramarital affair by fantasizing it in our minds.
Unfortunately, the Internet has opened a new door to fantasizing. Not only is pornography abundantly available, but chat rooms are especially appealing to women. It’s very easy to begin “chatting” and begin a fantasizing online relationship. Even inappropriate online relationships can lead to infidelity of the heart and soul.
There is a great deal of harm that can begin with fantasizing. We should guard ourselves from giving into this temptation. Whenever a fantasy enters your mind, critique it. The authors of Every Woman’s Battle2 encourage us to use these questions to determine whether a particular thought is healthy:
Is the thought beneficial? Does this thought harm me or my spouse in any way or hinder our sexual relationship?
Does the thought involve anyone else? Sexual activity is for you and your spouse only.
Is the thought honoring to God? The Bible is very clear that God sees our minds and wants us to focus on thoughts that are pure. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.
Fantasizing – What can I do instead?
When you are tempted to fantasize, remember why you first fell in love and committed yourself to your spouse. Your marital fidelity began with your promise to be faithful. This applies to being faithful -- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
If you have a hard time keeping your mind from going to thoughts of fantasy, you might try these alternatives:
Talk to your spouse and let him know if you have feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction, but be sensitive. Address this with regard to his feelings and work on this together and prayer together about it.
Explore intimacy with your spouse, put some new spice in your love life, be sure you make time to enjoy each other without stress and distractions.
Pray and ask God to help keep you from fantasy and impure thoughts.
Read your Bible daily and study topics like self-control, love, and faithfulness.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 reads, “God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body [and thoughts] and live in holiness and honor -- not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways.” God created us to be amorous, affectionate people -- within healthy and satisfied marriages. Enjoy your sexual life in a passionate and honoring way
Love Addiction is just like any other compulsion except that it has to do with relationships. Because of the ‘love’ part of the addiction, people often don’t understand the dangerous gravity of the situation. In fact, Hollywood tends to make light of this problem in sitcoms and movies because a true-love relationship just isn’t marketable. Glorified love is the stuff upon which movies are created! But no matter how comical Hollywood makes it, love addiction is no laughing matter to the addicted person or their partner.
A person who is excessively attached to another person most likely carried those habits over from past relationships. The conditions in such past relationships left the person feeling inadequate or mentally and/or physically abused. Romantic relationships are not the only type that cause such habits to develop; they can also stem from any of the following conditions: lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, hidden pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love or hope.
A love addict has a fear of change. They will attach themselves to another person as to obtain that person’s identity for themselves. Having a very low self-esteem and lacking self-identity, the person chooses a mate or friend they would like to become. Crimes of passion, murder, suicides, and stalking, bloom out of these relationships. Homosexuality is another byproduct of this problem, as it’s easier to take on the identity of someone of the same sex. A love addict also has the need to control the relationship. They will use sex to get their own way or in exchange for love. He or she confuses sex for love.
When a person tries to break up with a love addict, the situation becomes very intense and could result in stalking. The break-up adds to the addicts already overloaded emotional system. The love addict is not afraid to be as outlandish in actions as possible.
Love Addiction – The Characteristics
The following are some of the obvious traits of this addiction:
Is unable to trust in relationships
Has an inner rage over lack of nurturing in childhood
Battles with depression
Tolerates high-risk behavior
Has other addictive or compulsive behaviors
Questions values and life all the time
Has a frantic personality
Denies problems
Confuses wants as needs
Replaces ended relationships immediately
Love Addiction – What’s does it leave in its wake? Addicts tend to stifle any self-development because they feel only a need to obtain what their partner has obtained. Unrealistic hopes and dreams tend to shatter their relationships quickly and because of this pattern of disappointment, fear and dependency are resident emotions. As soon as possible after a breakup, the addict will find another partner to avoid self-dependence; or they may dwell in the remains of a lost relationship even to the point of stalking the person that left. Instead of honesty and self-integrity, the addict is destructive to a loving partnership.
Psychological imbalances and childhood problems that are magnified to a point of self-destruction need professional counseling. It is necessary to free the addict to love in a healthy relationship.
Love Addiction – What is Love to you?
The most beautiful expression of that kind of love which we all seek is found in the Bible -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Here, the Bible elegantly defines love in this way: ”Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.”
Find out who God is and you will find that true relationship you’ve searched for your whole life. Once that is settled, He will give you just the right person with whom to have a healthy, heart-based love