Christian marriage counseling is a tool to help people in troubled relationships learn to understand one another and God better. We might think, "I don't need counseling. I can solve my own problems just fine." But if you are here, visiting this site, it's likely you are in a situation that would benefit from an outsider's perspective. Christian marriage counseling can help you see what God wants from your marriage.
Christian marriage counseling generally involves three main areas: 1) problems or issues in general, such as difficulty communicating, a loss of closeness, etc. 2) personal problems that develop or occur within marriage. 3) loss of a sense of God's principles for marriage.
The need for marital counseling cannot be emphasized enough, even for Christians, because we live in a world that often encourages the destruction of marriage. As Christians, we additionally recognize the presence of an enemy, on the prowl to devour (1 Peter 5:8) marriages. From the beginning, marriage has been part of God's plan for His creation, and Satan is vehemently against this precious tradition. If we need evidence that we are in trouble, just take a look at the divorce rate both in Christian and non-christian environments.
Christian Marriage Counseling - Problems or Issues
Christian marriage counseling seeks to address problems and issues. If problems are not dealt with in a timely manner, they can fester and bring further devastation to a marriage. While problems are common to every marriage, Christians have the means to solve them. Think of it as deflecting a virus before it takes hold of our bodies. An appropriate response may not prevent the virus, but it can help us weather the storm and rebound stronger as a result.
So in marriage, it is important to recognize and acknowledge problems early. Marriage counseling brings attention to these problems and helps resolve them. Prevalent problems include poor communication, a lack of closeness or intimacy, nagging, or anger.
At the root of many of these problems is pride. We often believe we can solve our own problems. This can be aggravating in a marriage, especially when one spouse recognizes a need for help and the other refuses. The Bible tells us to examine ourselves (2 Corinthians 13:5). This principle would also include marriages, so if there are issues that need resolution, counseling is a godly choice.
When spouses seek the Lord and are open to counsel and wisdom, they bring hope to their situation and show others that God can help them, too.
Problems may also be relational, a result of not knowing how to interact, whether emotionally, intellectually, or physically. Other serious problems that could develop might be lying, adultery, pornography, emotional wounds, mental conditions, etc. When these problems are not dealt with, they represent a potentially crushing threat to the marriage.
Christian Marriage Counseling - God's Principles of Marriage
Christian marriage counseling helps us refocus on our priorities. It's easy for us to get distracted and lose sight of what and who is important. In addition to helping us find solutions to problems and issues, Christian counseling can provide marital and relationship-building techniques. By offering precepts from God's Word, good Christian marriage counseling can help quench the "viruses" that affect and harm our relationships.
Christian marriage counseling can help us deal with the problems that threaten to tear apart our lives. Effective counseling reassures us that God cares and that He desires to be a central part in our marriage. We can learn principles from God's Word that will remind us in days to come of God's ideals for husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:1-11). Christian marriage counselors share and encourage these precepts.
How is your marriage? Is there a virus threatening to take hold? Does your relationship need realignment? Are you and your spouse following a biblical precedent?
The phrase “marital intimacy” is frequently used only to refer to sexual intercourse. However, the phrase is actually a much broader concept and speaks of the relationship and connection between a husband and a wife. There is potential for a rewarding and deep connection between a husband and a wife that encompasses four main areas -- emotional, mental/social, spiritual, and physical.
Marital Intimacy – Can We Obtain it?
Since marital intimacy can exist between a husband and wife, how do we experience it? How can it impact my life and relationships? It is accomplished as both the husband and the wife sacrificially love each other by concentrating on meeting the other’s needs. Of course, no spouse should ever be expected to meet all the needs of the other. Nevertheless, the marriage is a team that is made up of two puzzle pieces. When the pieces fit together, they will create a beautiful picture of what marital intimacy is all about.
Intimacy is accomplished as each spouse learns to connect with the other emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Men and women are designed uniquely, so these four aspects of intimacy will be experienced in a different way for each spouse. Women generally find fulfillment in the emotional connection with her husband and she wants to know that her feelings are both valued and shared. Women also enjoy mental forms of intimacy and mutual exchange of thoughts.
Men feel marital intimacy differently and often feel the greatest levels of intimacy through activity, companionship, and forms of physical intimacy such as sexual intercourse. The intimacy needs of women might be described as “being,” while the same needs in men can best be conceptualized as “doing.”
Marital Intimacy – Spiritual Intimacy
The writer of the Book of Ecclesiastes speaks of two individuals deriving warmth from lying down together (Ecclesiastes 4:9). The same passage provides a visual picture of a rope that is woven with three strands of cord to symbolize the intimate connection that exists in a marriage that is strengthened by God. From these verses in the Bible, we can understand that while marital intimacy is certainly about a physical connection, it is much more than that. The Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-31 about a mysterious union of a man who, by joining himself to a wife, becomes one flesh with her.
Where does God fit into spiritual intimacy? He waits to be invited to become the third cord spoken of in Ecclesiastes. God reveals Himself as Creator of the universe and of mankind. Here, we find that God has created human beings in His image. In other words, we have a human spirit that was made to connect with the Spirit of the Living God. God intends that we also join our spirits together within the covenant of marriage.
How do we achieve spiritual intimacy? We must first recognize God as the One who has created us and designed a spiritual life for us. Once we have entered into a personal relationship with Him, then we are ready to share our spiritual journey with our spouse as we seek all that God has for us within the beautiful covenant of godly marriage
Forgiving infidelity starts with admitting it. I know first-hand the anguish that marital infidelity can inflict, but not because I suffered from the pain -- it was because I caused it. I was sexually unfaithful in both my first and my second marriages. Actually, "sexual unfaithfulness" is just a euphemism for "cheating," and I definitely cheated on both my husbands.
My story of adultery actually began before my first marriage. I had my first affair with a married man when I was 19 years old, and my pattern of adultery and marital infidelity continued for many years after that. Ironically, I grew up in a fairly conservative household that frowned on premarital and extramarital sex, and I remember early in my teenage years wanting to remain a virgin until I got married. However, I also wanted to be noticed by members of the opposite sex, so I spent a lot of time making myself attractive and "sexy" for them. I felt empty if I wasn't trying to attract a man, yet once I had gained his attention and had begun an affair, I soon grew bored and began looking for a new conquest.
I never thought of myself as the "other woman" type, but without a doubt, I was the other woman. There were times when I was even "friends" with the wife of the man I was having the affair with. My behavior was abominable, but I had myself convinced that everything was all right because I never intended the break up anyone's marriage. I just wanted to see if I could entice a man enough that he would cheat on his wife to be with me. Although I know of only one wife who found out about me, I'm sure that I caused all of the other wives excruciating pain. For that I am truly sorry. "Sorry" doesn't really begin to cover it, but unfortunately that is all I can offer at this time.
With my sexual history, I should have never gotten married. I cheated on my first two husbands before and during our marriages. I couldn't seem to stop myself. Although my extramarital affairs certainly involved sex, ultimately, they were not about sex. My marriages were not sexually dissatisfying, so it was not sex that I was seeking when I had affairs. Instead, I was searching for something to fill the emptiness in my life-the hole in my heart that never seemed to heal. Some people use drugs, alcohol, or money to try to fill that emptiness; I used sexual affairs. I had what is known as a "process addiction." I needed the "high" of my latest sexual conquest to feel alive-to feel anything.
I "needed" my sexual affairs until, at age 35, I finally found the one and only thing that could fill the emptiness and heal my heart for good -- or should I say, "the one and only person." That person is a man, but He is not just any man; He is the perfect man. He is the man, Jesus Christ. When I was 35, I had sunk about as low as I could go. A friend introduced me to Jesus and I gave my life to Him and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. Because Jesus is God, and He is my Creator, He is the only one who knows me inside and out and is able to heal me of my addiction. When I asked, He forgave me of all of my sexual sin and He cleansed me of my immoral lifestyle.
Forgiving Infidelity - The Biblical View
Forgiving infidelity is essential. God takes a very strong stance against marital infidelity. The term adultery is used 15 times in the Old Testament and 18 times in the New Testament. Every mention is some sort of admonition about or against the act. In the book of Proverbs, we learn that whoever commits adultery lacks understanding and destroys his or her own soul. "You shall not commit adultery" is the seventh of God's Ten Commandments to us, and in Jewish law, anyone who committed adultery was to be given the ultimate punishment and be put to death. There were not a lot of offenses punishable by death in the Jewish law, but adultery was one of them. That's how strongly God feels about marital infidelity.
Forgiving Infidelity - Where to Get Help
There is help for forgiving infidelity. God created the sacred bond of marriage between a man and a woman and He wants to protect that bond, so He gave the commandment against adultery. God knows that marital infidelity will tear a marriage apart, so He never condones it, and He always requires that the offenders be punished. However, He also knows that we are weak, selfish individuals who will commit adultery despite His warnings and commandments, so He provided a way for us to break out of our destructive, sinful patterns.
God sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to suffer the ultimate punishment of death for our sins. Jesus died in our place; He died in my place. I committed the adultery, yet God put His only Son to death for it. This is God's grace to me. I put my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior and God wiped away my sins. I started my life fresh, as if I was just born (actually reborn through God's Holy Spirit); and through the power and love of Jesus Christ, I was able to stop committing adultery. The strength did not come from within myself. Believe me, I tried to break my destructive pattern on my own several times, but I was unsuccessful because I was focused on me. I still had that emptiness that needed to be filled. Only a relationship with my loving Creator could fill that emptiness. Through that relationship, Jesus changed me so that rather than being focused on myself, my heart was turned toward helping others. As I began to look outside myself and see the needs of others, my life was no longer empty. I was excited (and continue to be excited) about my future of serving others and glorifying God.
Forgiving Infidelity - The Source of Forgiveness
If you are struggling with the issue of marital infidelity -- either as someone whose spouse has or is being unfaithful, or as someone like me who was (or is) an unfaithful spouse -- you can find the same help I found in the